Another lunch at Tacos for Life with my mentee turned friend before yet another oncology appointment. I got the scoop on her life, she helped my kid eat guacamole, and we unintentionally made an embarrassingly high pile of napkins. She thinks and communicates differently than the average person. She asked me what word best describes my life right now. I guess the look on my face let her know I found this a little odd because she said "ok I'll start to give you an idea." She said her word right now is experience. She talked about the trip across Europe she jus took, the 100$ bottle of red wine she was poured on a recent work trip, and a new opportunity which could grow her creatively and personally and professionally. She said she is learning so many new things all through new experiences. And I was sitting there thinking- well yesterday I got poop on my hand and there's currently someone else's booger on my shirt. I've gained eight pounds, and the most exciting place I've been this week is Planet Fitness. I threw out a few words trying to decide on mine. She had obviously put thought into hers ahead of time which was totally unfair. I landed on content. That is my word right now in this season of my life. I am utterly content with where I am and utterly content with who I am and what I'm doing. I am living in a paradox of sorts (as my lunch date pointed out) because I am the happiest and most joy filled I have ever been, yet for the first time in my life I carry with me a constant ache of grief and sadness that isn't always expressed but is always there. “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13 Contentment carries a different meaning for me than it used to. In thinking about contentment and happiness my focus used to be on my circumstances more than anything. I knew I needed to have joy because of Jesus no matter my circumstances, but I still focused a lot on those circumstances- them changing, bettering, or remaining. I thought I had to like what was happening in order to be content with them. I thought I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me meant I could change what I didn't like or overcome any unfortunate detail of my life. Now my contentment lies in my Savior. For the first time in my life I truly think I understand what Paul was saying in those verses. I'm content with my Savior and the path He has for me, and what that path looks like doesn't affect Him or my contentment in Him. I have the strength of Christ which overcomes any disappointment even if I'm left on a path of disappointment. I might be left with the unfortunate details, but I can be content even so because I am also left with Jesus. I obviously have preferences and requests. He knows my opinions and fears- I assure you- because I tell Him a lot. But I am content with where He has me and where He's taking me even though I don't know all the details of where that is. If being a stay at home mom blogger is the thing I'm most famed for then I'm great with that. If God has different assignments for me along the way, that's cool, too. I hope 6 month oncology appointments are the end of my cancer story, but I trust Him if not. I'd love to give Loula siblings and watch them grow and fight and scheme against me, but she is also enough for my heart if that isn't His plan for me. One day I hope I get to live on a plot of land big enough for a horse to run across with me on his back, but if not I'll keep chasing my ducks in my fenced in back yard. I pray Tyler always sees, and people I love live crazy long lives, and I hope I am 53 without a single gray hair on my head just like my mother. But- we will see what happens. I think it's great to dream, I think it's important to have goals, I think it's essential to have prayers, but I am so grateful that I know contentment lies in the security of knowing with my whole being that His plans are good and He can be trusted. I am content with where He has me. The song "it is well with my soul" just started playing in my head.
My friend's current word to describe her life is experience, mine is content. What's yours?