Catching my breath.

I had a breakdown at Pizza Hut. I'm not saying I just cried in Pizza Hut. I'm not saying I got a touch choked up but gained composure before I was given my bread sticks at Pizza Hut. I'm saying my eyes were swollen, my shirt was wet, my cheeks were red, my nose was snubbing, and my waitress was painfully aware of, yet sweet about, my breakdown at the Pizza Hut. It took me a salad, 2 pieces of pizza, 2 breadsticks, 2 hours, and 3 refills on my drink to dry it up. In the last weeks, writing about all these things (see previous posts) has made me acknowledge all those things. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm angry. I'm greatly overwhelmed. I'm struggling worse than I realized. I'm sad. I'm a grieving stay at home mom who rarely gets 5 minutes alone despite being someone who needs lots of minutes alone. Mix that with a busy husband, mom guilt, the expectation to never disappoint anyone, and the reality that the people I typically lean on most are equally wounded- it's a breeding ground for catastrophe for someone like me who takes care of everyone else and places mass amounts of pressure on myself to never let anyone down. I can so clearly articulate feelings through writing yet simultaneously suppress those feelings from ever being felt too strongly. Until I go to Pizza Hut apparently. Then they just overflow and ooze out like the cheese in stuffed crust pizza. Eventually it can't be contained. I've been trying to continue life as usual since the moment my Nanny died, and I have done so almost perfectly. I haven't missed a Sunday at church, I haven't missed events I "should" go to, I haven't turned down family when they request visits, or said no to people, or been unavailable to anyone who needed me at any point. I can't do it anymore. Not for forever, but for now, I need a pass on certain things in order to not lose my sanity. It's an unfamiliar feeling to feel so down and off yet be in a good place spiritually. Usually my reason for feeling "off" is because I'm not where I need to be in my relationship with Christ, but in this season Jesus and I have been close despite my crazy. I stopped mid cry earlier and asked Him to hold me. And to jus keep holding me until I felt I could catch my breathe. I trust He will. Unfortunately time (and the healing that accompanies it) is something that can't be rushed, and that sucks. I've also prolonged the process by operating on autopilot for so long. Now I'm 100% broken down and have to actually give attention to the issue. This blog has allowed me to connect with and pray for countless people. Some I know, some I don't. I am so thankful for that. Right now I ask you to please pray for me and my family. Pray for grace and time to feel and grieve, pray for patience and understanding, pray for healing and joy, pray for Satan to have no footholds, pray for Jesus to be glorified. Pray for faith and peace. Pray for the Holiday season to be happier than it is sad. Please pray for me to give myself the grace to take care of myself despite the inconvenience it may cause. 

As always thanks for reading my blog. I'm sorry if this one disappoints. Every post has been 100% true, and this one is no exception. Jesus is good, and I am wholeheartedly relying on Him to continue to be enough for me. He's enough for you, too. I am so thankful that I am His and He is mine. I have an overwhelming amount of things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, but He continues to be the biggest blessing in my life. If you don't know Him, please let me introduce you to Him. No matter what emotion or challenge this holiday brings- just keep getting back up. Thankfulness is a powerful tool to help keep Satan in his place and our hearts open to Jesus. Happy Thanksgiving from me to you! ❤️