3.

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I sat down the other day to try to recap and articulate my experiences with and feelings toward miscarriages. Twenty five paragraphs later, I still felt as if I hadn't adequately recounted everything I had faced and felt, and I also knew that no one wants to read twenty five poorly written paragraphs. I miscarried a baby at 12 weeks. I thought it was a girl, but I'll never know. My milk came in with no one to feed, I had to have two D&C surgeries to remove her from my body, and I was devastated. I thanked God for taking her even though I didn't understand. I miscarried twins 5 months later. It was shocking and maddening. I had one D&C this time. My milk did not come in. I did not thank God, because I was straight up angry with Him. I felt sad. I was so so incredibly sad. I felt scared that I may never be able to carry a baby to term. I felt sick. I felt angry. I felt embarrassed. I felt like people belittled my loss and therefore my babies' lives. I felt confused. I felt shorted. I felt like the life had been taken from me because in all reality it had. 3 lives. I know these 3 little lives are in heaven with the One who can love them beyond what I ever could. But I really wanted to try. I would never remove them from the perfect world they know, but I still wake up sometimes wondering if I have sons or daughters. Brunettes or blondes. Athletes or artists. It's mind boggling to deeply love someone you never even got to know. There are so many details that I've left out and so many feelings that I can't express appropriately, but I'm open to answer any questions that anyone has. I don't remember the day or the place, but I distinctively remember the moment that changed everything for me, and it is one that I definitely feel I should share. I was wrestling with God. I was scared and mad and frustrated and heartbroken, and I heard Him say in my spirit – "I need to be enough even if I don't give you a baby." You guys, I did not want Him to say that to me. He gave other people babies, He could give me one too! He healed other people from whatever might be wrong with me, I wanted the same. It was a hard yet freeing moment because instead of constantly praying for a baby, I began praying for me to be ok with whatever Jesus had for me. I got to the point where I could say and say it honestly – I want Your will for me, Jesus, even if that doesn't include a baby. Now hear me. This was a hard place to get, and even though I did get there, and I did mean it, I was quick to remind Him that if He needed to know my personal opinion then it was that I thought He should most definitely give me a baby. In His faithfulness, He did give me a baby, and I am so thankful. However, He would have still proven just as faithful had He not given me a baby because in either scenario the fact remained that He had given me more of Him. The pain and wrestling I experienced brought me to a new level of trust in my Savior. Simultaneously, it brought me a new struggle with anxiety. I know enough to know that Satan will do anything to try to make a gap in the new closeness I find with Jesus, and sometimes he gets little, short-lived victories. I'm thankful that's all they are. On the morning of my first appointment for my now daughter, I opened my Bible app to randomly see Isaiah 43:18-19. "Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”

‭‭I knew this was Jesus's assurance that this baby was His "way in the wilderness" for me, and I didn't have to 'remember' my miscarriages and therefore fear a reoccurrence. If you have experienced or are experiencing miscarriages, infertility, or infant loss, I am so sorry. I won't pretend to know your pain, because everyone's is different. I know for some it's hard to even read this because I'm on the other side of it and can hold my child when she wakes up from her nap. I remember that feeling, and I'm sorry. I pray for you today. I pray for God to give you a miracle baby of your own just like the Bible tells us He did for Sarah, Rachel, Rebekah, and Hannah. Just like I'm thankful He did for me. I pray for God's voice to be louder than Satan's. I pray for God to get you to the place where He is enough no matter how He chooses to grow your family. I pray you'd know you aren't alone, and I pray you'd have the freedom to feel whatever you need to feel, but I would encourage you to not react in anger towards God. Or at least not to stay there. I stayed there too long, and then I finally realized that was just hurting me, because the worst part of my intense pain was that I was pushing away the only One who could really provide me with any comfort. Cling to the Father. Not only is He holding your babies in His arms, He's holding you, too.

An excerpt from my journal in the months after my miscarriages.