Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer. When I got my diagnosis in February, one of my friends on Facebook had just lost her dad to melanoma. It was very sobering. If I'm being honest, I have put off writing about this because it's hard to go back to that place. It's still fresh enough that it makes my heart race to let myself think about it. I have a lot in my head that I vividly remember, yet don't recall very often.
I was surprised and then also not surprised, I guess, that I got skin cancer. I don't burn easily at all. I have naturally dark-toned skin and dark hair and dark eyes. I don't fit the freckled red head that was on my melanoma pamphlet. Because of this though, I've never really worn sunscreen. I didn't think I needed it. Obviously I do. In hindsight, years of being in the sun with 0-4 SPF wasn't a smart decision. I just genuinely thought I was fine because of my skin tone. I was 27 when I went in for my annual skin check and my PA Adrienne removed my melanoma. Wear sunscreen and get your moles checked, people…especially if you have a lot like me or if a new one pops up like mine did. Mine appeared mid pregnancy which apparently is fairly normal. My once a year skin check has now turned into checks every three months and oncology visits twice a year. I also have 4 scars from my collar bone up.
Some melanomas are superficial and therefore can just be cut off the surface, and then you're done. This was not the case for me. By the time I had it removed and checked, it was already invasive. They went as deep into the skin as they could at the dermatologist, and it showed the tumor went to their greatest depth. Because of this, we had no way of knowing exactly how deep it was without doing surgery.
I had to have two surgeries. One to remove any remaining tumor and the skin surrounding the tumor, and then another surgery to remove and check three lymph nodes to gauge whether or not the cancer had spread. The mole was right on my hairline at the center of my forehead, so it drained to both sides of my neck, resulting in the need to remove three lymph nodes versus just one.
My doctor was awesome and told me that we needed to do both surgeries at once because the trauma to the site of the tumor could cause it to drain differently and therefore trigger the wrong lymph nodes. I was super thankful for his knowledge and also the opportunity to go under anesthesia and recover once instead of twice. I was breastfeeding and didn't want to stop yet, nor did I want to be down any more than I needed to be for this part because I was unsure what the next phase of all this could be. I wanted to miss as little amount of my time with my girl as possible.
I couldn't breastfeed for three days because of exposure to something with the lymph node surgery. So with staples in my head and stitches by my ear and on my neck and throat, I would pump multiple times a day, throw away the milk, then feed my daughter a bottle of frozen breast milk. It was so important to me that we not be forced to stop. If I wanted to stop, great, but I wasn't going to let this disease take away my favorite way to bond with my girl. She was awesome, too. That girl was used to being able to feed pretty much whenever she wanted, and she could not have responded any better. It was almost like she knew. She'd lay on my bed with me and just stare at me and be so still. To this day she still loves to mess with my scars on my neck.
I had the surgeries on February 14, 2017. My Pawpaw's birthday. Because of me, we didn't celebrate him that day like we normally would have, and that ended up being his last birthday on this earth. I carry a lot of guilt about that. My head knows exactly what I would say to anyone else feeling this way. I even know without a doubt in my mind what my Pawpaw would say to me. But it devastates me.
The days of waiting for the lymph node results were hard. My poor mom called me 4 times a day like I was gonna forget to let her know if the doctor called. Tyler called the nurse enough to ensure that she hated us, and I love that he didn't care. If it was in my lymph nodes my stage would jump from 1 to 3, or 4, and my chances of living would drastically go down. I prayed and thought a lot in those days. I asked God to please let me see Loula go to kindergarten. I asked God for proms and fights and girls' days and a wedding and grand babies and great grand babies. I am breaking down as I write this remembering how scared I felt. My baby was 6 months old, and I really wanted her to know and remember me. I asked God to be glorified through my healing, but I asked for His will above all else. I trusted Him. It was a sweet thing to be so terrified and uncertain, yet be so certain in my God and my faith in His plan whatever that may be. It took miscarriages and death and other hard things to get me there, but what a wonderful place to get. We faced so much in Loula’s first six months of life. Nothing like a little cancer to really top it all off.
I was reading Loula's toddler Bible to her one night before bed after she randomly opened it like she always does. She had opened to the story of the blind man and the disciples asked Jesus, "What did this man do that he deserved to be blind?" Jesus replied and said, "He did nothing. He was given this illness so that I may be glorified through his healing." I remember crying as I read that to my daughter. I wrapped my arms around her and asked that this would be the case with me also. A couple of days later, my friend Emily sent me so much truth and encouragement and in it she included John 9:1-3. I looked it up in my bible, and it was the same story of the blind man.
Jesus is faithful. No matter my outcome, He proved faithful to me through those sweet moments of assurance plus 100 more. He proved faithful to me by placing the tumor in a spot where I literally saw it every day so it couldn't be missed. He proved faithful to me through Premiere Dermatology. Their staff and service are wonderful. He proved faithful to me through the dozen headbands that my mom took me to get to hide the bald spot after surgery. He proved faithful to me through my in-laws who dropped everything to come and keep Loula. He proved faithful to me through my mom and sister who washed my hair for me because I couldn't. He proved faithful to me through the flowers that consumed my home. He proved faithful to me through the daily, sometimes hourly, words of encouragement that I got from my dad. He proved faithful to me through my little brother who hid his fear and put on a brave face and continued to joke with me for both our sakes. He proved faithful to me through my friends. Fayetteville, Bentonville, Maryland. I could never make another friend and be absolutely set with these three. He proved faithful to me through my church. I received messages from both my pastors – the one I grew up under and the one I have now – as well as multiple other pastors at the church. He proved faithful to me through my dance family, my extended family, and the Jesus loving doctors He provided for me.
He proved faithful to me through my husband. You. Guys. You know you picked the right spouse when despite it being his busiest time at work he drops everything to make you his priority. You know you've picked the right spouse when you're preparing yourself to potentially face chemo or whatever else and you can't think of a better person to be by your side. You know you've picked the right spouse when he can make terribly inappropriate cancer jokes because he knows it's what you need. You know you picked the right spouse when you're in bed at night and you let your mind go to the dark place of "I might die," yet you can look over at the person next to you and know that your daughter will be adored passionately, prioritized unapologetically, and daily pointed to the throne of Jesus whether you're here or not. Jesus always proves faithful.
On February 21, 2017, we got the call that my lymph nodes were clear. We also got results that a test they did of the actual tumor showed that it was not an aggressive form of melanoma at all. Long story short, we couldn't have received better news. We celebrated with a dance party in our living room to Bruno Mars, because that is our daughter's favorite. Obviously. I put on my brightest headband, and we went out to eat. Thankful and relieved don't even seem like strong enough words. I was able to tell my Pawpaw that I was ok. He died 9 days later.
This experience made me so thankful to be alive. I don't get as mad about trivial things as I used to because frankly I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be here to get pissy about stupid stuff. (My Nan is mortified at my word choice right now). It made me reevaluate how I pray. After the good news, there were days where all I did was pray that my melanoma wouldn't come back. Then I got stressed when I realized days had passed and I hadn't thought or prayed about it specifically. I realized that Jesus wants me to talk to Him, but I don't have to pray certain things in order to "earn" healing, or life, or good diagnosis. I can't change His plan, and He wants me to pray because He wants to be closer to me. How wonderful is that.
There's more I could write. As always I'll probably hit post then remember something I should've added, but also this post may be too long. Sorry. If you read this and a question comes in your head – ASK ME. I don't mind at all. I love your feedback. If you saw me February-April and thought I was just going through a headband phase – now you know why! There are some super cute ones out there. Junk brand is my fave. Also – I found a long sleeve bikini. I was totally chic in my long sleeve bikini and giant hat at the beach this summer. If you see me and I look tan, it's because spray tans are my jam! I have found a way to maintain the color I want without the risk of more skin cancer. See? There are little blessings to be found everywhere. I'm thankful I get to experience them. Cancer seems to be everywhere, and I know my story is "easy" relative to most. I am praying specifically for multiple people right now fighting a cancer battle. Send me names, and I would be honored to add them to my list.